1st Week of Craziness

   I'm not sure how I didn't think of this before, but I figured that it's been long enough that no one really pays attention to this blog anymore.  My blog is plain and boring and I don't have the time or energy to really make it look as wonderful as some because of my college schedule.  Anyway I'm writing this because I've had a bit of a traumatic experience happening in my life right now, and I guess this is a way that I can keep everyone involved updated about how I'm doing without breaking any rules.
    I recently had to take a step back from my boyfriend and my brother because my brother felt that my boyfriend wasn't the one for me.  On this occasion I won't go into the details about how or why this had to happen, instead I'll just give a highlight.  My brother thinks my boyfriend is bad for me because of some things that he has heard from his girlfriend, and because I was stuck fast in the middle between my boyfriend and my brother he issued a ultimatum.  It was a choice between him and my boyfriend, and I was completely torn, but my dad offered the third solution of choosing to step back for a while to see what God wanted for my life; long story short I went with the third option and now there is STILL bitterness and resentment, not to mention the perpetual depression that plagues my life now, and it hasn't even been a full week since I said my goodbyes to both of them.
    These posts are meant to keep myself sane and to let some of my followers know what is happening during this time.  I realize that I only have a few followers and more than likely there will be other people outside of the issue that will see this, but in all truth I really don't care if anyone else sees these posts.  I've heard all the opinions of "You should choose your brother because he's family" and "he's younger than you and shouldn't be telling you what to do." and I'm finally at the point where I really don't care about anyone's opinion because my current decision stands.  I'm not exactly jumping up and down about any choice, and there really shouldn't have been a choice to begin with because there should be more trust than that, but it's what is working for this season and I'll be damned if anyone were to continually upset the fruit basket.
    Anyway, this is dedicated to hell week.  The first week of my 60 day journey of not talking to anyone on either side until something somewhere changes.  I have had zero motivation to do anything and have pretty much devoted my life to school, work, and establishing a healthy routine of exercise, food, and sleep.  I try not to oversleep like my mind and body wants to right now because I probably wouldn't get out of bed if I did.  I barely taste what I eat, but I'm trying not to over eat during this time because I know sooner or later the cravings will start and I don't need to struggle with my weight as well as my emotional well being.  My grades are doing surprisingly well, but that's probably because I've been hyper focusing on it since I have nothing better to do.  I'm also trying to get back into a regular music schedule where I can have time to practice whatever instrument I feel drawn to play; it's mostly been piano so far, but that's mostly because I can adjust the volume on it where I really can't do that on a clarinet or guitar.  I've also taken to talking to my birds because I can't really find the energy to talk to my grandparents about what's on my heart and mind.  Mostly because they're on the side of choosing my brother and leaving my wonderful boyfriend, but also because they don't need that stress in their life.  My grandfather really doesn't care to hear anything I have to say nor does he care, and although my grandmother does care I would have to talk to her in the same area that my grandfather is in, and he'd get ticked off about it. (It's absolutely ridiculous, I know)  But since I live with them I try to find the middle ground of saying as little as possible on a regular basis and just float in and out of the house like a ghost.  What's really hard is not losing my shit when I'm working.  That's when I do most of my thinking and eventually overthink myself into a tizzy and have nearly had several meltdowns while cleaning, and no, I haven't said anything to anyone at work and I don't really want to.  I try to do most of my venting of anxiety and stress in my Acting class where I feel open and free to express my own thoughts and feelings in a safe space.  Probably the worst part of this whole thing is the amount of times I'm asked "How're you doing?" and I love you people but truly unless you want to hear what has gone down and what's happening in my life instead of just some stupid blanket of an answer, I would recommend that you ask me to lunch or text me.  I've really had it with answering "I'm ok", and what's even more wild is that even if you answer with "I'm in hell" or "I'm barely clinging to sanity right now." people walk away as if you answered with an "I'm ok" type answer.  I'm really holding on by prayers and business, but if anyone who reads this decides to start praying or sending good vibes or whatever you do to tell others your there for them, it would be really appreciated.