I labeled this week "Forgiveness is Tough" because there has been a lack of forgiveness that has been plaguing me and my family. I personally have been recently flogged with the knowledge that I have not been trusted or forgiven by my brother since 3rd grade, and it truly and deeply hurt my heart that no matter what I said or did after that was enough to redeem myself. I also got to thinking if there was anyone that I had not forgiven, and the first person I thought of was my mom. For one reason or another there have been times that I will call out the famous lines of "When I was little and if I had done something like that..." and proceed to tell her about how strict and rough my childhood was. To her it felt like I had never forgiven her for her faults of early parenthood, and now that she has changed it seems to her as if I will never let it go. When she also pointed it out to me that it was hurting her heart that I was calling these things out I really had to evaluate why I was doing it. I knew I wasn't wanting to hurt my mom or try to make it seem like she was being unfair, but I came to the conclusion that I was pointing it out because I recognized the difference and was trying to let it go as we would discuss it. I ended up telling my mom this not to long ago, and I'm not sure if she understood or believed me. I definitely want to clarify that I point the changes out because I want to forgive her, and I don't want to have a grudge against her for anything she did back then because I know she's a different parent now than she was then. I also want to clarify that this was a recent thing that I discovered about what I really wanted to accomplish when pointing these things out, but before when I was younger I believe that I was hurt that it seemed that everything had changed for the other siblings because she felt differently about them.
To my mom, I do want to say that I really am sorry that I tried to hurt you when I was upset about the new standards you set for yourself and your family. I am trying to work through my problems and I love you. I don't want to push you away, and have been trying to work towards having a better and healthier relationship with you.
I still am working through some of the struggles of forgiveness, and I've come to the conclusion that true forgiveness is painful. It's painful because sometimes people don't want to forgive, and don't want to see the good or possibilities that the other person may have to offer them, but it's really a matter of heart. If my heart is not in the right place can I truly forgive? Let me put it another way: If I'm only saying the words but not purposing in my heart and mind the value of it, am I truly forgiving the other person?
Truthfully I guess my biggest hurt about finding out that I have never been trusted or forgiven is that I was open and honest with my brother this whole time. I thought we were both being transparent about what we were feeling and what was happening in our lives. Now however, I feel kind of betrayed that I could go to him and talk about how I was hurting or how things were going in my life, but he apparently was always hiding from me, and I didn't even know it. I can't even be included in family conversations anymore because if it gets too personal he feels that his trust has been violated, but how can we grow close if he won't even trust me with the little things. Truth be told I don't think he trusts me to make my own decisions about much of anything, and that's part of why he tries to offer alternative solutions to my actions. Only, that's my thoughts... I don't know how he truly feels, and thinking that we were closer than normal brothers and sisters it really breaks my heart that I truly can't say how my brother is feeling. I thought I knew my brother, and I thought that being siblings meant more than what others said or anything else. I'm at this point still kind of in shell shock from finding this out only a few days ago, but honestly I just want my brother back. Again prayers and good vibes or whatever higher power you want to offer the situation is always appreciated and reciprocated.
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