Skip to main content

Week 2: Forgiveness is Tough


It's a little late, but I still wanted to get a few things out there.  I'm a little late in posting because I was very sick and couldn't bring myself to type everything out that I wanted to express.  There have been some changes in the situation and some of the things have been good changes, but there are some areas that have not really changed.  Not exactly "good changes" that make you feel good about yourself, but changes that are difficult and painful to some.

I labeled this week "Forgiveness is Tough" because there has been a lack of forgiveness that has been plaguing me and my family.  I personally have been recently flogged with the knowledge that I have not been trusted or forgiven by my brother since 3rd grade, and it truly and deeply hurt my heart that no matter what I said or did after that was enough to redeem myself.  I also got to thinking if there was anyone that I had not forgiven, and the first person I thought of was my mom.  For one reason or another there have been times that I will call out the famous lines of "When I was little and if I had done something like that..." and proceed to tell her about how strict and rough my childhood was.  To her it felt like I had never forgiven her for her faults of early parenthood, and now that she has changed it seems to her as if I will never let it go.  When she also pointed it out to me that it was hurting her heart that I was calling these things out I really had to evaluate why I was doing it.  I knew I wasn't wanting to hurt my mom or try to make it seem like she was being unfair, but I came to the conclusion that I was pointing it out because I recognized the difference and was trying to let it go as we would discuss it.  I ended up telling my mom this not to long ago, and I'm not sure if she understood or believed me.  I definitely want to clarify that I point the changes out because I want to forgive her, and I don't want to have a grudge against her for anything she did back then because I know she's a different parent now than she was then.  I also want to clarify that this was a recent thing that I discovered about what I really wanted to accomplish when pointing these things out, but before when I was younger I believe that I was hurt that it seemed that everything had changed for the other siblings because she felt differently about them.

To my mom, I do want to say that I really am sorry that I tried to hurt you when I was upset about the new standards you set for yourself and your family.  I am trying to work through my problems and I love you.  I don't want to push you away, and have been trying to work towards having a better and healthier relationship with you.

I still am working through some of the struggles of forgiveness, and I've come to the conclusion that true forgiveness is painful.  It's painful because sometimes people don't want to forgive, and don't want to see the good or possibilities that the other person may have to offer them, but it's really a matter of heart.  If my heart is not in the right place can I truly forgive?  Let me put it another way: If I'm only saying the words but not purposing in my heart and mind the value of it, am I truly forgiving the other person?

Truthfully I guess my biggest hurt about finding out that I have never been trusted or forgiven is that I was open and honest with my brother this whole time.  I thought we were both being transparent about what we were feeling and what was happening in our lives.  Now however, I feel kind of betrayed that I could go to him and talk about how I was hurting or how things were going in my life, but he apparently was always hiding from me, and I didn't even know it.  I can't even be included in family conversations anymore because if it gets too personal he feels that his trust has been violated, but how can we grow close if he won't even trust me with the little things.  Truth be told I don't think he trusts me to make my own decisions about much of anything, and that's part of why he tries to offer alternative solutions to my actions.  Only, that's my thoughts... I don't know how he truly feels, and thinking that we were closer than normal brothers and sisters it really breaks my heart that I truly can't say how my brother is feeling.  I thought I knew my brother, and I thought that being siblings meant more than what others said or anything else.  I'm at this point still kind of in shell shock from finding this out only a few days ago, but honestly I just want my brother back.  Again prayers and good vibes or whatever higher power you want to offer the situation is always appreciated and reciprocated.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Shark Week! Christmas came early!

        "AHHHHH!! SHARK!!!!" This past week has been my favorite of all year.  Better than Christmas, better than Summer Vacation, it was SHARK WEEK PEOPLE!  All year I have waited ever so patiently for this 1 week to come to pass.  So many different species, and so little time.  Y'all, sharks are my favorite animal of all time.  It just saddens my heart when so many fishermen around the world take advantage of the creatures, killing them for their fins, and selling them for thousands of dollars to be made into soup.  But enough on that for now, there is so much the talk about and I just cannot contain myself any longer.       There have been multiple sighting this year, either in passing on a boat, while fishing, and a few were spotted on the beach.  The first sighting was in Massachusetts on June 11th off the coast of Cape Cod.  The shark left the area within an hour, and all the beach goers were allowed...
2 comments
Read more

Frank Sinatra

  Frank Sintra, know for his astounding voice, and his fine acting.  Born in Hoboken  New Jersey he was the only child of Italian immigrants.  His book "Try and Stop Me" said that his father was a lightweight boxer.  Unfortunately Sinatra didn't graduate high school, because of his rowdy behavior he was expelled.     Honestly this was a shock wo me when I first found out.     He began singing for tips at the age of eight, standing on top of the bar at a local nightclub in Hoboken. Sinatra began singing professionally as a teenager in the 1930s,  although he  learned music by ear, he  never learned how to read music.  Sinatra got his first break in 1935 when his mother persuaded a local singing group to let him join.  When he joined they became the Hoboken Four.  He didn't stay with the group for very long, late in 1935 he cam e back home and his mother found a job for him as a singin...
Post a Comment
Read more

1st Week of Craziness

   I'm not sure how I didn't think of this before, but I figured that it's been long enough that no one really pays attention to this blog anymore.  My blog is plain and boring and I don't have the time or energy to really make it look as wonderful as some because of my college schedule.  Anyway I'm writing this because I've had a bit of a traumatic experience happening in my life right now, and I guess this is a way that I can keep everyone involved updated about how I'm doing without breaking any rules.     I recently had to take a step back from my boyfriend and my brother because my brother felt that my boyfriend wasn't the one for me.  On this occasion I won't go into the details about how or why this had to happen, instead I'll just give a highlight.  My brother thinks my boyfriend is bad for me because of some things that he has heard from his girlfriend, and because I was stuck fast in the middle between my boyfriend and my brother...
1 comment
Read more